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Subject:Mindless babble...because I can
Time:10:30 pm
Journal-

I told her. Not as I had planed. I was hoping to be able to sit her down and talk it over with her. I wanted her to understand. But no such luck. And not she is gone. She left right after that. I thought it best to let her go. I didn't want us fighting and making things worse with the babies. I was going to let her calm down before I went to her.

Not too long after that Oliver and I shared our first date. Wow...we had a date. I sure hope this means that there is an us. It was so perfect. He had planed out everything. Made it so special. I had never in my life felt so wanted, so cared for. It was truly magical.

I care for him so much. I love him. I do. I would give up my name, my money, everything to be with him the rest of my life. I just might have to. That damn reporter Rita has made it public that Oliver and I are together. If my father sees it he might just disown me on the spot. Making my becoming an Death Eater much harder I am sure. But Oliver is worth it. I can feel it. He is different from the others around me. He is so much different then Pansy. I see the way he looks at me. He loves me...I can feel it with every touch and feel with every time our eyes lock.

I fear I might lose my unborn children. I think Pansy is trying to take my children away form me. She has asked the headmaster to place them for adoption. I will fight for them. They are my children as well. I love them. I want to be a father to them. I want to be apart of their life. I will fight to be the one to raise them. I just hope that Oliver can handle being with a single father.

Okay well it;s getting late...and I don't know if any of this is making any since. I haven't been sleeping well. I have had so much on my mind that it is hard to sleep right now. I wish he was here to hold me at night. I know I can sleep in his arms. How I want him to hold me...

-Draco
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Subject:Confessions...of love
Time:02:09 am
Current Mood:lovedloved
Journal-

I can't stop thinking about him. About Oliver. He is on my mine it seems every minute. We talked the other night...and kissed. I find the slightest touch from his fills my body with warmth I have never known. I long to know him in every way possible. I find my longing and feelings growing for him with every glance I make toward him. With every word he speaks to me. I find that this...this must be love.

To be able to wait for what the other has to offer you. To be able to grow with every thing you learn about him. To want him for everything but the psychical. With Oliver I feel wanted for more then just sex. For more then just my name, and touch. I feel like he really wants me . Just for me. That he longs for me as I really am.

I want so much to hold him now. To just lay here and talk about anything that may come to our minds.

There is just one thing stopping me right now. Pansy. I love her...or at least what I thought was love at the time. Could it of been lust. Or the fact that I thought she was the only one for me. I knew about the arranged marriage. I have known since I was 10 that our parents had planed out our wedding already. So naturally I thought Pansy could be the only one for me. But know I find I am very wrong. That I rushed something I shouldn't have. I still care for her and always will. But...is that enough? I don't want to lie to myself. I don't want to live a lie as my parents have. I can't do to Pansy what my father has done to my mother.

She has to know of my feelings toward Oliver. She has to know of the mistake we made rushing into such a marriage. She has to know I still care for her but I love him. Even if Oliver does reject me in the end. *I pray he doesn't* Even if he doesn't share what I feel for him. I am willing to take that risk. Because I think...he would be worth it. Because love is worth it. I can't continue like this. She needs to know of my feelings.

-Draco
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Time:09:07 pm
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful
I reread my fathers letter once more. Still finding it socking, and pleasing at the same time. I had so longed to hear these words from him, and here they were. They might just be on paper, but I know my father. He would not of put such feelings in a letter if he had not ment them.

"I make him proud," I think as I set the paper down and look into the fire.

My mind now wonders to Pansy...and Oliver.

Pansy and I had made up. She had forgiven me (for something I hadn't even done) for everything. I had forgiven her for the coldness, and distance. We decided to not let anything between us. But...was it too late for that?

I find my thoughts going to Oliver more and more. I wanted to feel his skin. I wanted to take him in my arms. I wanted to shower him with the love he needed and deserved. I wanted to be his and him be mine.

I shift in my chair trying to think about what to do. I loved Pansy and out twin. I wouldn't of married her if I didn't love her. But these new feelings...Gods life is getting so confusing.

Why couldn't I have both of them? Love them both the same amount at the same time. Was it ageist some unwritten rule or something? Would Pansy or Oliver be for the idea of the three of us instead of just two of us.

I stand and decide to join my wife in our bed.
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Subject:Lost
Time:11:19 pm
Current Mood:lonelylonely
Journal-

Pansy has become cold, and distant towards me. I don't know why. Have I not given her everything. My heart, my soul, everything about me is hers for the taking. But still...she is pushing me aside.

Was I wrong to marry her so soon. To think she loved me as much as I love her. Does she even want me around anymore? Is there any other way I can prove to her I love her?

I am acutely getting rather tired of it. All of it. I feel like I am playing games with her sometimes. I just wish...I wish she could understand. Wish she wouldn't push me away so. I love her...I love her so much. But I find myself asking...is it enough?

Maybe our lives lie somewhere else. I do find...no...no I wont say. I can't, not right now. I am so confused. I just need to know. I have to know that thing will work out between Pansy and I before I think such things.
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Subject:What is a guy suppost to do
Time:09:15 pm
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful
Rose mood - Gray - worried, disturbed

Journal-

Quite a bit has happened, but like I said writing in this thing has never been something I ever willing wanted to do. I just do it out of habit. I do it now because I need to get some things out...and I don’t know who to talk to.


Here is the thing. Pansy and I are now married. I love her more then anything. I never knew I could love someone...like this. Not only am I a husband but going to also be a father soon too. To twins!!!

I can not express to you how happy I am now. How much I love her and our babies so much. That is why I am writing now.

You see I have hurt her...I have hurt my wife. I have hurt the one woman I love, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I know something...a secret her father told me. The thing is once he told me...he also told me I couldn’t tell Pansy about it. Not until the babies are born.

So here it is...the secret. Pansy’s mother...she isn’t dead. In fact she wasn’t even Mrs. Parkinson. I know who Pansy’s real mother is. I see her once a month and so does Pansy. Her real mother is Dr. Destiny MoonChild...and she is delivering our twins. Her own grandchildren...and she doesn’t even know it. Both Pansy and Destiny have no idea of the truth.

I don’t know all of the details. As to how this came about. All I know is that Mr. Parkinson and Destiny had an affair. Destiny got pregnant thinking it was someone else’s baby (her father’s I think) So never knowing the true identity of the father (Mr. Parkinson) Destiny gave Pansy up for adoption. Dumbledore (who knew the truth) gave Pansy to Mr. and Mrs. Parkinson, and no one knew.

After telling me this Pansy had come up and asked if everything was okay (or something like that). I was still in shock about the whole thing. I had told her everything was fine, but she knew. And now...she thinks I am lying to her. Keeping something from her, and it’s hurting her.

I have no idea what to do. I want to tell her the truth, she should know the truth. So should Destiny.

I think part of me wishes she would read this. That she would see it laying on my nightstand and read this. Pansy my love I want to tell you. I do. I hate to see you hurt...see in your eyes that I am the reason you are in such pain. The reason your heart is breaking. But I did promise your father...and I don’t want to stress you more with everything that has been happening. But you SHOULD know. You should know your mother is alive. That you see her once a month. So should she. She should know that you are her daughter. Should know she is delivering her own grandchildren.


Oh GOD I wish I knew what to do. I feel...I don’t know. I just don’t know right now. I should go.

Draco
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Current Music:Pansy's light breathing
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Subject:The things on my mind
Time:10:32 pm
Rose mood - deep red - love, passion, extremely happy

Journal-

Hi there. I know it's been such a long time since I have written. It's just well...this journal thing was my mother's idea. She thinks I hold to much in like my father. Just wanted to give me a way to you know. Show my feeling...release.

Alot has been on my mind lately. Where do I start?

Father: I stood up to him in my own kind of way and ended up disappointing him. Funny I have always dreaded those words from him. I always want to please him, make him proud of me. But I still feel like it's not enough for him. It's never enough.

In some way I feel like he doesn't even want to be around me. Like I am just there to him sometimes. I have felt this way a long time. I know he gives me everything I ask for, but what of the things I can't ask for. The things father should know to give their sons with out having to be asked. I never really get thoughs things. Not that I REALLY care.

I look up to him. I do and in ways I want to be JUST like him. But there are things I know he has planed for me that I don't want. Such as...his dark lord. I want nothing to do with them, death eaters and what not. But I feel as if I have no choice. I feel myself getting sucked in slowly ageist my will. That is why I act so carelessly about such things. If I blunder enough then maybe the dark lord will want nothing to do with me and I can be set free.

I know it will disappoint my father more if that was to happen. But I just don't want to follow him in those foot steps. I don't want to be a death eater. But I know one day the dark lord is going to call me to him. One day I will be asked to join. And I don't know what to do when that day comes.

Yes I do. I will do as my father wants. I will follow him, because I am a Malfoy.

Pansy: Well as I write I am with her. At her house. In her bed. Things have progressed with Pansy. For the best I hope.

I have to say I find myself loving her more and more as the days go by. It's not just the sex (even thought she is REALLY good) I find it more with just the time I spend with her. Her eyes, they seem to look threw me. Like she knows me more then anyone including father.

I know growing up together is a big help. But I feel free to feel when I am with her. I can open up and she wont run. I am thinking about talking to her about her feelings on this death eater thing. I am sure her parents want her to be one as well.

But I do find my mind wondering to someone else every now and then. I keep telling myself it's just a crush, nothing will come from it. But my heart is another thing. I love Pansy. I do and find she has most of my heart. But I feel for this guy too.

I keep saying "He's a guy, you can't feel this way about him. He's a guy." But I do feel this way about him. I want to be with him like I have been with Pansy. I want to love him like I love Pansy. But I feel it will never happen.

I want to be with Pansy forever, but I want to be with him as well. Why can't growing up be more easy. Where the hell did these feelings come from???

Well I have made up my mind. I am staying with Pansy. I love her, I want to be with her. She give me thing, makes me feel things. She make me feel, and I like it. I am happy with her, truly happy. I want to make it work. but...

What if I see him again. What if I long so much for him I can't help myself. Man this is hard. I guess this is a we will have to see thing. Right now I am with Pansy. My heart belongs to her.

Mother is right this does help.

I find I know little to nothing about her. Seeing as she is not around much. I wonder sometimes about her and father. Oh well.

I think I am ending it like this. So until I find myself needing to vent my feelings.

Draco


I close my journal with a sigh. I tap it with my wand sealing it with a charm so that no one can read it. I lay it under my robes that are laying by the bed Pansy and I have been sleeping in.

I roll to my side and watch as she peacefully sleeps. She truly looks like a princess. I find my mind wondering if my father had planed for this to happen as well. He had been quite mild about me staying here. I would of thought he would of been angry.

I know he has always encouraged the idea of Pansy and me. But still "What's up your sleeve father," I wonder as I lay my head down.

Oh well I wont let it ruin the rest of our week together. Then an idea pops in my head. I stand and give Pansy a light kiss on her cheek before I head out of the room.
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Subject:Why can't love be so much more simple???
Time:10:13 pm
Current Mood:conflicted
I send the owl back to Pansy with my reply to her letter.

"your low Malfoy...low," my mind says to me.

"Oh shut up...I ment it. I do want to date her, " I say trying to drown the voice in my head.

"You love another...not her...you don't want her like you want..."

"SHUT UP!!! I can't live off a dream. I can't continue to think about them...fantisize about them. It's a love I can never embrace. That person will never see me for more then just some boy. I can't go on loving an impossible person," he said a bit more heart broken about this then he would of liked to of showed. He avoided saying the name because he knew once he spoke the name he wouldn't get it out of his mind.

"Pansy...Pansy is reachable. Besides everyone expects me to get together with her. My parents...my friends...everyone. And why not...she is a great girl...perfect for me. In time love will come. I know it...I know it," I think sitting in my arm chair infront of my fireplace.

"Pansy is the only person in the world who could love me. She is the only one who has ever really liked me that way. No matter how much I want...want for someone else to love me it wont happen. Be reasonable Draco...that is one heart out of your league," I think.

"You will never know until you try. The worst that can happen is he turns you down and your back where you started," my mind says.

*sigh* "You don't give up do you," I say.

"Not when it deals with what you truly want...you may want Pansy...but you want this person as well. Go for both...see who truly loves you."

I sit there starring at the fire, "I don't want to lose Pansy...but I don't want to think if I had made my move...Oh FUCK it," I think and stand up again.

I walk to my desk to compose two letters. Letters I am not sure will ever see the light of day again much less be sent out. But I had to put on paper what I truly felt for both persons. Hoping it will give me some sign as to what I should do. Who I should love.
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Time:12:10 pm
Current Mood:ecstaticecstatic
I smile as my owl returns with a letter attached to him. I quickly take it away from him. I read it eager to see what Pansy said. My smile grows more as I read her letter.

Draco-
I would LOVE to go with you. What time should i be ready by?
Pansy

"She would LOVE to go with me," I think excited.

I hurry to reply to her. Don't want to keep a beautiful girl like her waiting.

I attach my reply to her and send my owl off. I stand and run to my door and call for one of the servants.

"Yes young sir," said Andrew entering my room. "I need the best flowers money can buy...but not to big. I don't want to over do it on the first date...and my best robes..no wait I should just show up in my normal robes," I saying talking more to myself. "Anything other flowers sir," Andrew asks. I stop noticing I had been pacing the whole time. "No..I don't think so...make sure the limo has plenty of butterbeer just in case...and chocolets...truffles that kind of thing," I say feeling my stomach doing flips.

This was going to a big night. My first real date with Pansy and I was not about to let anything go wrong. I knew how much my parents liked Pansy and wanted us to end up together. I have to admit she was beautiful...and nice. I have had a crush on her since we were kids. But lately new feeling had grown...for someone else. Someone at school he knew he could never have.

"Stop that Draco. Pansy is the one you like...even love. You have always loved her. Keep your eye on the prize. She is everything you want in a girl, and tonight you get to make it a solid relationship. Just like you have always wanted. Pansy Parkinson as your girl friend. To have Pansy on your arm...by your side," I tell myself.

That's right...Pansy has always been the one for me. What was I thinking. I didn't care for anyone like I cared for Pansy. I go to the bathroom to take a shower and began to get readdy for the girl of my dreams.
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Subject:Thinking can be a dangerus past time
Time:11:44 am
I walk over to my bed and lay in it. I stair up at my ceiling "I wish everyone wouldn't have such high exceptions of me. To follow in my parents foot steps. My life seemed planed for me before I was even born. And even then I don't think I am the child my father had wanted," I think to myself.

"Even with as hard as I try...I just don't seem to be good enough for him," I think as I sit up. I pace my room trying to think of something to do. Anything to get my mind from thinking things like this. Then Snape's letter returns to my mind.

Send my regards to Miss Parkinson (she will be accompanying you, will she not?).

“Pansy!!! Yes of course” I cry out as the thought hit me. Now was my chance to ask her out.

I run to my desk to compose yet another letter.

(Owl to Pansy)

Dear Pansy-
I am not sure if you had heard or not about Susan’s party at the school. I was wondering if you would like to like to go with me. It’s tomorrow...I know this is short notice. I myself just learned about it today. Please send me and answer right away. I am sure my father would even let us use the limo the ministry has given him. Talk to ya later

~Draco


I look over the letter and smile. “I sure hope she says yes,” I think as I attach it to my fastest owl and send it on it’s way.
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[icon] It's so good to be bad sometimes
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